I spent years believing that I would never have a close relationship with my mum. When I was a young girl we were close, I was incredibly attached to her. I don’t have many memories as a child, I have big blanks pre-15 which is common for children of domestic violence.

The memories I do have were of me always holding onto her very tightly, wrapping my legs around her in bed, always wanting to bath with her, screaming and crying whenever she wasn’t around, I was anxiously attached. She was (and still is) an incredibly hard working woman, a provider and when my dad left when I was 12 that part of her went into an even deeper survival mode – of course at the time I didn’t see any of this. I was alone, I was sad and I was mad. Mad at my parents and mad at everything around me – that was my stress response, this was how my nervous system responded to the lack I was experiencing emotionally.

As I grew into my teens so the fight part of me intensified – we would argue, one of my deepest wounds is hearing my mum say “you are going to be a difficult person to love one day” that came right after I threw a pan at her. What I heard was I am difficult, I am not loveable, I am to blame. What I didn’t know what that no one was to blame and life was difficult for her and I was being difficult.

That one experience (and many others that were similar) meant I feared her, I disconnected from her and in doing so I shutdown, I unconsciously created a wound in my feminine energy. Though just a teenager growing into a young adult woman I didn’t have the emotional and nervous system regulation tools to fully understand myself, others and life. So of course moving into my twenties I moved away as fast as I could, kept an arms length relationship with her and distracted myself in food, alcohol, men and career. Until each of those things never fully met my emotional needs and I began the inner work.

It’s taken 37 years for me to say I am in a place where I fully accept my mum, who she is, how she is, the mother she was and is today. That doesn’t mean I don’t still get triggered, I do, but the emotional charge moves through me differently, I own it, I take responsibility for it and I show up differently in our relationship. Not as needy little girl who is still anxiously attached to mum loving her, giving her attention (though of course an attachment will always be there) but I get to show up in my fun, playful inner child state that meets her inner child there. This acceptance piece comes from fully accepting me and where I created stories about her, our relationship and myself – how I was playing victim and painting her as the villain for so many years.

The biggest piece in all of this is knowing my nervous system – knowing myself and what the empowered woman in me desires from connection with my mum (and other women too) alongside what my little girl in me uniquely needs and how can I meet her there, because she is my responsibility now, only I can create the internal safety for myself and her, sure it sucks that I never learnt this growing up or in school, but my mum and dad did the best they could at the time with what they had. Now I get to honour all parts of me and allow for my body, emotions and experiences of this rich life to move through me, I allow it all.

I shared recently on a post on my instagram page that being deeply honest with myself about what I desire for my relationship is what I get to hold as an intention in my mind and heart – but this also means that I get to be honest about where she is at, what is her process and her capacity to know her unique needs, that isn’t my business or responsibility and can only meet myself and her with where we are both at and be grateful that I get to experience that even if it feels challenging.